Hi all,
I'll finish the series with more points we've learned along the way...
Soul mate, princess, complete me culture
Years ago 'princess syndrome' was diagnosed in east Asia. It is when young women have been told all their lives they are a princess, and grow up believing it. They think life is all about them, their hair, nails, clothes, interests, and pretty things as they put themselves at the center of attention, while not expecting to have to contribute anything to anyone. In a marriage, it manifests in a wife doing nothing to contribute to the relationship, but expecting to be served. I've seen it several times and divorce was the end result in all. There is no place for narcissism in a marriage. The princess wife sits around all day, won't pick up empty snack items, won't cook, clean, wash, can't stay on budget - he comes home from work and does it all. That's the princess syndrome.
There is another concept in popular culture called 'soul mate', a psychological term that is very ancient, even in Judaism. When it is off-balance, is when a person believes there is one soul mate, predestined for them. Because a person believes their mate is predestined, it sets them up for unrealistic expectations. This contributes to couples not doing the work before they get serious or get married of doing their 'homework' of getting to know one another, learning how to communicate, how to argue, how to develop practical skills needed when 2 individuals live under 1 roof.
A form of love takes the place of the substance of love. One day they see their 'soul mate' isn't perfect, or perhaps it would be more accurate to say they saw those imperfections all along, but they kept thinking they could change them, or they weren't deal-breakers. Disillusion sets in, sometimes bitterness, and tiny things loom as large as mountains.
Does my wife complete me and I her? Yes. Is she my soul mate and I hers? Yes. Are we moving in the same direction of growth in Christ, of godliness, of seeking the best for each other? (Not trying to change each other) We have no agenda but to bless and love each other. It's real life, tough decisions made when you love the other person but don't particularly like them right then. But you love them and grow, adapt, change as a human being in Christ.
That August of 1978 before Barb and I were married in September 1978
The Father was teaching me from I Timothy 5:14, which says in part:"I want the younger women to marry, have children, guide the house..." The margin of my Bible translated 'guide' as 'rule a family'. (That is indeed what the Greek says). In my barely 20 year old, about to be married the next month brain, a verse stating the wife is to rule the house was contrary to everything I had heard or assumed about Christian marriage. And I told the Father exactly that.
He replied:"What is a house?" I said; "It is the physical plant - the walls, roof, plumbing, etc." He replied; "Very well. What is a home?" I responded:"A home is the intangible things, the peace, security, love, that go into making a house a home." He again said:"Very well. The wife is the head of the house, and the husband is the head of the home."
That confused me even more, so I said:"Father, that means if the kitchen sink is clogged, if she is the head of the house, then she should fix it because it's part of the house." He replied with something that set the course for a long and happy marriage:"That right, she may. OR, she may call for the head of the home to fix it, because if the sink isn't fixed the qualities of the home will be jeopardized."
It was then that I realized more than head knowledge, that in the marriage I was about to enter, I was responsible for the intangible qualities of the home. I was to be spiritual head, as Christ loves the church so I was to love my wife - He is love, joy, peace, security in Him, and that is what my wife and future children should sense. We are one, but decorations, cooking and meals and such are part of the house and Barb decorates and manages the house very well. But I am responsible to God for making sure that together, our house is also a home - full of peace, joy, security, grace - So that together we have turned our house into a home.
A three-fold cord isn't quickly broken - doesn't mean his or her mom or sister is the 3rd cord.
That well known phrase from Ecclesiastes 4:11-13 is about the Lord being that 3rd cord in a strong marriage, making it 'not easily broken'. But oftentimes the wife will honor her mother's or sister's or friend's opinions above her husbands, or the husband will do the same of his mother. Boundaries folks, boundaries. There comes a time in every healthy marriage with close families, that the couple must lay down the law and establish boundaries. Feelings will be hurt, but husband and wife together must discipline themselves to keep others out, let them in on their terms, to honor and elevate each other's opinions above all others. Period.
When you love them, but right now you don't like them....
When you love the person but don't like them at that moment, you go back to the core of what you love about them. You go back to the parts of them that caused you to fall in love with them. In that way, when Barb and I have a strong disagreement, it passes like a summer shower, and then we forget it and return to where we were. We step back, return to the core reason we love each other, and that makes whatever arguement we were having, tiny in the big picture of things.
Paul commented in Galatians 2:9 that when Peter, James and John 'perceived the grace' in him and Barnabas, they gave the hand of fellowship, and agreed they 3 would go to the Jews, and Paul and Barnabas would go to the Gentiles. Perceived the grace. Peter later wrote, in his last letter, II Peter 3:15-16 that some of what Paul writes is hard to understand.
In marriage or friendship, it isn't always important that you understand or even agree with the person you love. It IS important you 'perceive the grace' in them, honor that, especially when that grace is in an area different from the subject of the current arguement. Love the grace of Christ in that person and what He has done in their lives. (And the gifts He gave them) See God's grace in their life, and love that grace even if you don't love other things about them. Love the grace. Look for the gifts God has given them, they are what you initially fell in love with. When conflict comes, mentally and emotionally switch your focus to that grace, those things in them you fell in love with.
Submit to one another in Christ
Obedience is an action, submission is a grace in the heart. Submission is when you give a person place in your heart to have authority over you, or with you, or in some way you allow them into your life.
A person can be submitted while being disobedient. A teen can obediently clean their room, but in their heart they are angry, resentful, bitter - not submitted. A wife can go to church in disobedience when her unbelieving husband has forbidden it, but remain submitted to him by being that great wife and/or mother.
Paul's instructions are to submit to one another 'in Christ', meaning you may be submitted to a spouse, but if they ask you to do something in obedience that Jesus wouldn't do, you don't have to. Each person has the right to protect their body, their emotions, from ungodly things their spouse might think they can demand in obedience. That right goes from the bedroom to robbing a bank - if it violates what you think is right or is morally or ethically wrong, the spouse can be disobedient while still submitted in their heart. The one who asks their spouse to violate these things, has issues they need to deal with.
Both go through the difficulty to become one on the other side of conflict
We work side by side in shared responsibilities. It is our house, our kitchen, our laundry, not hers and mine. That said, we each have our areas, our ways of doing things, and they are respected. We give each other freedom to be individuals. Be present and contributing to the overall good.
Yesterday, as I write this, Barb and I were working side by side in the kitchen to prepare 'cashew chicken' with fried rice. I did the rice, she did the chicken. She commented; 'I love working together in the kitchen' and I replied that I do too - it's one of the fun times we have together. The way we move around each other according to our part of the meal is like a well choreographed dance. My fried rice was done at exactly the same time her cashew chicken was done. But early on we were more like the Three Stooges, for we had to learn how each other moved....Now we are Fred and Ginger dancing. And remember, she did all Fred did, but in high heels and backwards, lol. (For those who don't know who they are, watch a Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers movie or go to YouTube and search for clips of them dancing, lol).
That said, in our first week of marriage in our little upstairs apartment, she said to me, 'The trash is full'. I responded, "So empty it." She replied; "In our house, my dad always emptied the trash." I responded, "In our house, whoever topped it off took out the trash." .....I've been taking out the trash ever since, laying down my life in what way.
We celebrate ourselves and honor one another in simple ways, like no phones at the dinner table. In a skill I've learned and still have to work on, when she is talking I let the phone ring, ding, or signal, instead of breaking away from what she is saying. I have assigned honor to her first in my heart, then in practice.
Lessons learned, but there is so much more I could write. For another time perhaps. New subject next week, until then, blessings,
John Fenn
cwowi.org and email me at [email protected]
I'll finish the series with more points we've learned along the way...
Soul mate, princess, complete me culture
Years ago 'princess syndrome' was diagnosed in east Asia. It is when young women have been told all their lives they are a princess, and grow up believing it. They think life is all about them, their hair, nails, clothes, interests, and pretty things as they put themselves at the center of attention, while not expecting to have to contribute anything to anyone. In a marriage, it manifests in a wife doing nothing to contribute to the relationship, but expecting to be served. I've seen it several times and divorce was the end result in all. There is no place for narcissism in a marriage. The princess wife sits around all day, won't pick up empty snack items, won't cook, clean, wash, can't stay on budget - he comes home from work and does it all. That's the princess syndrome.
There is another concept in popular culture called 'soul mate', a psychological term that is very ancient, even in Judaism. When it is off-balance, is when a person believes there is one soul mate, predestined for them. Because a person believes their mate is predestined, it sets them up for unrealistic expectations. This contributes to couples not doing the work before they get serious or get married of doing their 'homework' of getting to know one another, learning how to communicate, how to argue, how to develop practical skills needed when 2 individuals live under 1 roof.
A form of love takes the place of the substance of love. One day they see their 'soul mate' isn't perfect, or perhaps it would be more accurate to say they saw those imperfections all along, but they kept thinking they could change them, or they weren't deal-breakers. Disillusion sets in, sometimes bitterness, and tiny things loom as large as mountains.
Does my wife complete me and I her? Yes. Is she my soul mate and I hers? Yes. Are we moving in the same direction of growth in Christ, of godliness, of seeking the best for each other? (Not trying to change each other) We have no agenda but to bless and love each other. It's real life, tough decisions made when you love the other person but don't particularly like them right then. But you love them and grow, adapt, change as a human being in Christ.
That August of 1978 before Barb and I were married in September 1978
The Father was teaching me from I Timothy 5:14, which says in part:"I want the younger women to marry, have children, guide the house..." The margin of my Bible translated 'guide' as 'rule a family'. (That is indeed what the Greek says). In my barely 20 year old, about to be married the next month brain, a verse stating the wife is to rule the house was contrary to everything I had heard or assumed about Christian marriage. And I told the Father exactly that.
He replied:"What is a house?" I said; "It is the physical plant - the walls, roof, plumbing, etc." He replied; "Very well. What is a home?" I responded:"A home is the intangible things, the peace, security, love, that go into making a house a home." He again said:"Very well. The wife is the head of the house, and the husband is the head of the home."
That confused me even more, so I said:"Father, that means if the kitchen sink is clogged, if she is the head of the house, then she should fix it because it's part of the house." He replied with something that set the course for a long and happy marriage:"That right, she may. OR, she may call for the head of the home to fix it, because if the sink isn't fixed the qualities of the home will be jeopardized."
It was then that I realized more than head knowledge, that in the marriage I was about to enter, I was responsible for the intangible qualities of the home. I was to be spiritual head, as Christ loves the church so I was to love my wife - He is love, joy, peace, security in Him, and that is what my wife and future children should sense. We are one, but decorations, cooking and meals and such are part of the house and Barb decorates and manages the house very well. But I am responsible to God for making sure that together, our house is also a home - full of peace, joy, security, grace - So that together we have turned our house into a home.
A three-fold cord isn't quickly broken - doesn't mean his or her mom or sister is the 3rd cord.
That well known phrase from Ecclesiastes 4:11-13 is about the Lord being that 3rd cord in a strong marriage, making it 'not easily broken'. But oftentimes the wife will honor her mother's or sister's or friend's opinions above her husbands, or the husband will do the same of his mother. Boundaries folks, boundaries. There comes a time in every healthy marriage with close families, that the couple must lay down the law and establish boundaries. Feelings will be hurt, but husband and wife together must discipline themselves to keep others out, let them in on their terms, to honor and elevate each other's opinions above all others. Period.
When you love them, but right now you don't like them....
When you love the person but don't like them at that moment, you go back to the core of what you love about them. You go back to the parts of them that caused you to fall in love with them. In that way, when Barb and I have a strong disagreement, it passes like a summer shower, and then we forget it and return to where we were. We step back, return to the core reason we love each other, and that makes whatever arguement we were having, tiny in the big picture of things.
Paul commented in Galatians 2:9 that when Peter, James and John 'perceived the grace' in him and Barnabas, they gave the hand of fellowship, and agreed they 3 would go to the Jews, and Paul and Barnabas would go to the Gentiles. Perceived the grace. Peter later wrote, in his last letter, II Peter 3:15-16 that some of what Paul writes is hard to understand.
In marriage or friendship, it isn't always important that you understand or even agree with the person you love. It IS important you 'perceive the grace' in them, honor that, especially when that grace is in an area different from the subject of the current arguement. Love the grace of Christ in that person and what He has done in their lives. (And the gifts He gave them) See God's grace in their life, and love that grace even if you don't love other things about them. Love the grace. Look for the gifts God has given them, they are what you initially fell in love with. When conflict comes, mentally and emotionally switch your focus to that grace, those things in them you fell in love with.
Submit to one another in Christ
Obedience is an action, submission is a grace in the heart. Submission is when you give a person place in your heart to have authority over you, or with you, or in some way you allow them into your life.
A person can be submitted while being disobedient. A teen can obediently clean their room, but in their heart they are angry, resentful, bitter - not submitted. A wife can go to church in disobedience when her unbelieving husband has forbidden it, but remain submitted to him by being that great wife and/or mother.
Paul's instructions are to submit to one another 'in Christ', meaning you may be submitted to a spouse, but if they ask you to do something in obedience that Jesus wouldn't do, you don't have to. Each person has the right to protect their body, their emotions, from ungodly things their spouse might think they can demand in obedience. That right goes from the bedroom to robbing a bank - if it violates what you think is right or is morally or ethically wrong, the spouse can be disobedient while still submitted in their heart. The one who asks their spouse to violate these things, has issues they need to deal with.
Both go through the difficulty to become one on the other side of conflict
We work side by side in shared responsibilities. It is our house, our kitchen, our laundry, not hers and mine. That said, we each have our areas, our ways of doing things, and they are respected. We give each other freedom to be individuals. Be present and contributing to the overall good.
Yesterday, as I write this, Barb and I were working side by side in the kitchen to prepare 'cashew chicken' with fried rice. I did the rice, she did the chicken. She commented; 'I love working together in the kitchen' and I replied that I do too - it's one of the fun times we have together. The way we move around each other according to our part of the meal is like a well choreographed dance. My fried rice was done at exactly the same time her cashew chicken was done. But early on we were more like the Three Stooges, for we had to learn how each other moved....Now we are Fred and Ginger dancing. And remember, she did all Fred did, but in high heels and backwards, lol. (For those who don't know who they are, watch a Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers movie or go to YouTube and search for clips of them dancing, lol).
That said, in our first week of marriage in our little upstairs apartment, she said to me, 'The trash is full'. I responded, "So empty it." She replied; "In our house, my dad always emptied the trash." I responded, "In our house, whoever topped it off took out the trash." .....I've been taking out the trash ever since, laying down my life in what way.
We celebrate ourselves and honor one another in simple ways, like no phones at the dinner table. In a skill I've learned and still have to work on, when she is talking I let the phone ring, ding, or signal, instead of breaking away from what she is saying. I have assigned honor to her first in my heart, then in practice.
Lessons learned, but there is so much more I could write. For another time perhaps. New subject next week, until then, blessings,
John Fenn
cwowi.org and email me at [email protected]
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