Hi all,
There is a trend of adult children cutting contact with their parents. But it's more than empty chairs at birthdays and holidays; there is a deeper and more evil spiritual plan in this movement.
This series exams this trend as we identify it, define it, study the reasons and offer some solutions. We will also look at Biblical examples like the Prodigal Son, and perhaps the greatest example in the Bible; the divide between David and his son Absalom.
In the USA 27% of adult children are estranged from 1 or both of their parents. (Cornell University)
Of those 27%, 11% are estranged from their mother and 26% are estranged from their father. The remaining 63% (of those 27%) have broken contact with both parents.
If there has been genuine abuse, of course they need to distance themselves for their own mental and perhaps physical health. For those parents who were not abusive, it is important that they examine how they raised their children, identify contributing factors, and be willing to admit to their estranged child(ren) their faults and mistakes.
This issue exists in part because of the rise of social media
Today, the younger generation sees cutting off their parents as part of their their personal growth and care of self. By care of self I mean protecting themselves from anyone who challenges them. They cut off anyone who disagrees with them or challenges them to think through what they believe and why. It is a narcissistic world within social media, so they think life is all about them, with little value placed on multi-generational relationships. Additionally, (USA) educational system has not taught children how to think, reason, debate and examine different perspectives. They are taught to react on an emotional level, rather than reasoning.
This generation is being trained to see their parents as the enemy and replace them with anyone who will tell them what they want to hear. By contrast, Paul writes that honoring your parents comes with a promise; That it may be well with you and you will live long on the earth. Ephesians 6:2-3
Absalom cuts off communication with his father, King David
In II Samuel 15:1-6 Absalom sat at the city gate and made decisions and judgements for people that his father the king would have normally made. He told people what they wanted to hear, both gave and receive ego boosting flattery, and v6 says:"Thus Abasolom stole the hearts of the men of Israel."
An adult child who has cut off contact with their parents as Absalom did, gather around themselves people who think as they do. They gather people who are eager to agree with their blame of their parents. In v4 Abasolom spoke out loud 'If only I were made judge in the land there would be justice.'
His acts undermined the authority of his father, dishonoring him, and all the while David looked on and no doubt prayed for him - we understand that by the way David prayed and mourned when Abasolom died.
Adult children who cut off contact with their parents surround themselves with people who appeal to their ego, telling them they are right, telling them they are justified by their actions. Like Absalom, they undermine all their parents taught them.
Suddenly they realize they are all alone while surrounded by like-minded people. Lonely though surrounded by people who claim to love them - and some no doubt do - but often a bad player will use these things to manipulate and control them, all while claiming to love them and have only their best interest at heart.
Remember, as God made man in His image and likeness, so too will people used of the devil try to make people into their own image and likeness. That is what manipulation is all about - becoming like the manipulator, which gives them full control.
We live in a world that if a parent says no, or places firm boundaries and expectations, it is being called abuse or trauma. If a parent doesn’t validate and agree with every thought and feeling, they are called abusive, overbearing, controlling, toxic, or unsafe. Social media tells them this, with many influencers echoing these sentiments, reinforcing their fragile emotions as they further harden their hearts.
Arguments, events, and rules from childhood cause adult children to rewrite their history
The rewrite is the twisting of events out of context. Example:When my dad sat we 4 children down to tell us he and mom were getting divorced, he said:"I'm divorcing your mother and I'm divorcing you kids. I won't be here for ball games, birthdays, holidays...I'm moving out...I won't be here..."
At the time and for years after all I could see was the pain inflicted by those words on we 4 children, ages 11 (me), 9, 7, and 5. When I grew older I realized he wasn't trying to be cruel, he was trying to define and explain what divorce meant to children who had no idea what it was. But at the time, those words were framed in rejection and hurt.
When adult children are told conflicts in their family were abuse, they re-filter memories through believing they suffered abuse. Breaking off communication isn’t usually about parents being bad and them good. Actually, it is about how pain shapes their view of life.
These adult children filter their relationship with their parents through their own hurts, and their parents often filter their advice through their own hurts. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, nor a perfect child. That's where God's grace, wisdom, character and Spirit enter the family dynamic. If He is allowed. This is where parents must be transparently vulnerable with their children, when given the opportunity.
To parents who have experienced this or right now are experiencing this:
Your child blames you for pain you never intended. Being 'canceled' by your child twists the love you gave into something darker, misunderstood, and out of context. They aren’t seeing the times you were there for them. They don't see the sacrifices. They see the story filtered through their pain that they created and have repeated so many times it feels real to them now.
What makes it worse is once they believe that story, every normal and harmless communication from mom and dad from that point on gets filtered through that twisted memory. That means all the memories they have are now turned into something that wasn't real, or was rewritten in their mind and emotions.
So a moment you (parents) thought was ordinary is filtered through that hurt and becomes proof that the twisted version they believe is real. It reinforces their incorrect understanding. When they confront you, you end up fighting a version of yourself that never existed, and only exists in their mind. Their version of you is now a stronghold from which only they can end.
We can ask our adult child(ren) this:What was in it for us other than to love you?
What was in it for us when we brought you into this world? Everything parents do is done without promise of reward or appreciation. Everything poured into each child; love, patience, time, energy, worry, sacrifices, were all done without promise they would ever give anything back. These things a parent does knowing their child would grow up and develop their own independent life, have their own future. Parents knew from the start there would come a time they would take a step back to let their child live on their own and without needing their mom and dad in the same way.
And most of it that child will not remember. They have no idea of a parents nights awake, stress, fear, the choices parents made for their comfort, love and security instead of their own comfort. None of it was done with an expectation of return.
A parent might say to their adult child:Ask yourself the hard question. Why did we do it? We did it because you are our child. So before you blame us for real or perceived imperfections and convince yourself we owed you perfection, ask what was in it for us? We love you, we still showed up, and we continue to love you. What was ever in it except to love you?
We will pick it up from there next week. Don't give up on that child! On that parent! Until next week, blessings,
John Fenn
cwowi.org and email me at [email protected]
There is a trend of adult children cutting contact with their parents. But it's more than empty chairs at birthdays and holidays; there is a deeper and more evil spiritual plan in this movement.
This series exams this trend as we identify it, define it, study the reasons and offer some solutions. We will also look at Biblical examples like the Prodigal Son, and perhaps the greatest example in the Bible; the divide between David and his son Absalom.
In the USA 27% of adult children are estranged from 1 or both of their parents. (Cornell University)
Of those 27%, 11% are estranged from their mother and 26% are estranged from their father. The remaining 63% (of those 27%) have broken contact with both parents.
If there has been genuine abuse, of course they need to distance themselves for their own mental and perhaps physical health. For those parents who were not abusive, it is important that they examine how they raised their children, identify contributing factors, and be willing to admit to their estranged child(ren) their faults and mistakes.
This issue exists in part because of the rise of social media
Today, the younger generation sees cutting off their parents as part of their their personal growth and care of self. By care of self I mean protecting themselves from anyone who challenges them. They cut off anyone who disagrees with them or challenges them to think through what they believe and why. It is a narcissistic world within social media, so they think life is all about them, with little value placed on multi-generational relationships. Additionally, (USA) educational system has not taught children how to think, reason, debate and examine different perspectives. They are taught to react on an emotional level, rather than reasoning.
This generation is being trained to see their parents as the enemy and replace them with anyone who will tell them what they want to hear. By contrast, Paul writes that honoring your parents comes with a promise; That it may be well with you and you will live long on the earth. Ephesians 6:2-3
Absalom cuts off communication with his father, King David
In II Samuel 15:1-6 Absalom sat at the city gate and made decisions and judgements for people that his father the king would have normally made. He told people what they wanted to hear, both gave and receive ego boosting flattery, and v6 says:"Thus Abasolom stole the hearts of the men of Israel."
An adult child who has cut off contact with their parents as Absalom did, gather around themselves people who think as they do. They gather people who are eager to agree with their blame of their parents. In v4 Abasolom spoke out loud 'If only I were made judge in the land there would be justice.'
His acts undermined the authority of his father, dishonoring him, and all the while David looked on and no doubt prayed for him - we understand that by the way David prayed and mourned when Abasolom died.
Adult children who cut off contact with their parents surround themselves with people who appeal to their ego, telling them they are right, telling them they are justified by their actions. Like Absalom, they undermine all their parents taught them.
Suddenly they realize they are all alone while surrounded by like-minded people. Lonely though surrounded by people who claim to love them - and some no doubt do - but often a bad player will use these things to manipulate and control them, all while claiming to love them and have only their best interest at heart.
Remember, as God made man in His image and likeness, so too will people used of the devil try to make people into their own image and likeness. That is what manipulation is all about - becoming like the manipulator, which gives them full control.
We live in a world that if a parent says no, or places firm boundaries and expectations, it is being called abuse or trauma. If a parent doesn’t validate and agree with every thought and feeling, they are called abusive, overbearing, controlling, toxic, or unsafe. Social media tells them this, with many influencers echoing these sentiments, reinforcing their fragile emotions as they further harden their hearts.
Arguments, events, and rules from childhood cause adult children to rewrite their history
The rewrite is the twisting of events out of context. Example:When my dad sat we 4 children down to tell us he and mom were getting divorced, he said:"I'm divorcing your mother and I'm divorcing you kids. I won't be here for ball games, birthdays, holidays...I'm moving out...I won't be here..."
At the time and for years after all I could see was the pain inflicted by those words on we 4 children, ages 11 (me), 9, 7, and 5. When I grew older I realized he wasn't trying to be cruel, he was trying to define and explain what divorce meant to children who had no idea what it was. But at the time, those words were framed in rejection and hurt.
When adult children are told conflicts in their family were abuse, they re-filter memories through believing they suffered abuse. Breaking off communication isn’t usually about parents being bad and them good. Actually, it is about how pain shapes their view of life.
These adult children filter their relationship with their parents through their own hurts, and their parents often filter their advice through their own hurts. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, nor a perfect child. That's where God's grace, wisdom, character and Spirit enter the family dynamic. If He is allowed. This is where parents must be transparently vulnerable with their children, when given the opportunity.
To parents who have experienced this or right now are experiencing this:
Your child blames you for pain you never intended. Being 'canceled' by your child twists the love you gave into something darker, misunderstood, and out of context. They aren’t seeing the times you were there for them. They don't see the sacrifices. They see the story filtered through their pain that they created and have repeated so many times it feels real to them now.
What makes it worse is once they believe that story, every normal and harmless communication from mom and dad from that point on gets filtered through that twisted memory. That means all the memories they have are now turned into something that wasn't real, or was rewritten in their mind and emotions.
So a moment you (parents) thought was ordinary is filtered through that hurt and becomes proof that the twisted version they believe is real. It reinforces their incorrect understanding. When they confront you, you end up fighting a version of yourself that never existed, and only exists in their mind. Their version of you is now a stronghold from which only they can end.
We can ask our adult child(ren) this:What was in it for us other than to love you?
What was in it for us when we brought you into this world? Everything parents do is done without promise of reward or appreciation. Everything poured into each child; love, patience, time, energy, worry, sacrifices, were all done without promise they would ever give anything back. These things a parent does knowing their child would grow up and develop their own independent life, have their own future. Parents knew from the start there would come a time they would take a step back to let their child live on their own and without needing their mom and dad in the same way.
And most of it that child will not remember. They have no idea of a parents nights awake, stress, fear, the choices parents made for their comfort, love and security instead of their own comfort. None of it was done with an expectation of return.
A parent might say to their adult child:Ask yourself the hard question. Why did we do it? We did it because you are our child. So before you blame us for real or perceived imperfections and convince yourself we owed you perfection, ask what was in it for us? We love you, we still showed up, and we continue to love you. What was ever in it except to love you?
We will pick it up from there next week. Don't give up on that child! On that parent! Until next week, blessings,
John Fenn
cwowi.org and email me at [email protected]
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