Hi all,
We continue with part 3 looking towards reconciliation.
The more disconnected they are from God the more they become angry.
If they are believers, they often fool themselves into thinking it is God leading them to break contact. But when balanced and pure faith is gone everything feels like an attack.
They are confused because if what they are doing is God's path to healing, why do they have no peace? Why are they so unhappy? They stumble through life, going through the motions, fueled by anger at mom and dad.
Anger is not strength, nor does it mean they are taking control of their life. On the contrary, it is proof that peace and God are far from them. They can smile on the outside but be miserable on the inside. They aren’t as close to God as they need to be, for the closer to the Father a person is, the less they need to win the argument - and that goes for the parents too.
I define these qualities this way:
Justice is getting what you deserve. Mercy is not getting what you deserve. Grace is getting what you don't deserve. In any reconciliation, all 3 will come into play at some point. A recognition that all the hurt and pain is what happened as a result of the actions of both is required. Mercy, in withholding volleys of poisonous words that hurt the reconciliation process. Grace, extended because each loves the other, overlooks the past, and empowers each other with respect and honor for each person's place in life.
Anyone you love will make you uncomfortable at times. If you can't sit down with them in that, you can't love them. Love isn't love until it's proven. Sit down and prove your love for one another. If you can’t handle disagreement you can’t grow as a person or in faith.
If you cut off everyone who challenges you the more you become an island to yourself, which is what the devil wants. If you cut off all who challenge you, you aren’t protecting yourself, you are choosing to live in a world of anger, turmoil, and broken relationships – extending into your (kids) own lives.
The devil tries many ways to destroy the family.
Satan hates families. When a Christian adult child breaks contact with their parents 'unto God', their faith has become poison. 'Toxic' is the popular term for people and a faith structure that is poisonous to us.
Their faith is often within a religious system that allows the religion (structure) to control a person’s life rather than the Lord. Leaders in that religious system like pastors, their spouses, elders and others manipulate them into blind obedience. Often, this system will agree with the adult child, leaders hearing only 1 side of the story but siding with the offended adult child. It's often manipulation, to keep them in the fold, keep their money, talents, resources within the 4 walls of that church.
Toxic faith is about inventing a god or faith that honors self.
Such a misplaced faith is counterfeit, and often fear-based, and in that, addictive. They can't miss a service because the devil may get an opening. If they don't watch the next service they might miss their miracle, and so on. Faith becomes very narrowly focused to just the voice of that pastor or spouse, to the exclusion of voices of reason, common sense, and healthy emotions and thoughts. Reconciliation with parents may mean breaking away from that toxic church, maybe out of a toxic marriage or other relationships. They feel trapped when the realization hits them and they don't know what to do. They need to go to mom and dad.
The result is fragile people.
Whether Christian and in a controlling and toxic church, or not a Christian, surrounding oneself with people who agree with them that cutting off their parents was good, are emotionally fragile. In such fragility they have lost the ability to tackle real issues. Sometimes too fragile to admit mom and dad were right.
In this fragility they have become easy to influence.
They become easily influenced by people who don't purely love them and/or who don't have their best interest at heart. They need to know that families have arguments. Teenagers push boundaries, rebel, test the limits. They yell at each other. Children face consequences for their actions. Families with young children have rules, discipline, and boundaries. Family life is messy sometimes, and it is within those messy moments God forges character, back bone, helping a child establish boundaries.
It is the family dynamic that teaches a child to stand up for what they believe. To state their case to their parents. To decide while still at home what they believe and why. Cutting off contact with parents removes the very people who can provide that challenge, those hard questions, to that young adult. The adult child thinking they are establishing their own identity, are actually fragile and easily influenced by people who don't love them as their parents do.
At some point....
That adult child realizes their parents are flawed human beings just like them. Perhaps the parents were overbearing, strict, too religious without helping them find the Lord for themselves. More than one well meaning parent has used the Bible to punish their child:"Go to your room and read your Bible" only causes a child to associate God with punishment. But when that child grows up they realize mom and dad were just trying to prevent them from really poor decision making and the consequences that would have come with such decisions.
And mom and dad recognize they were flawed. They recognize there is a kernel of truth to some of the accusations their child levels against them.
...reconciliation enters a negotiation phase.
In a negotiation neither side gets 100% of what they want. But they can live with the results. When the Prodigal Son left, it wasn't what the father wanted, but he allowed his son the freedom to take the money and run. When he returned the father extended grace that the other son wasn't happy with.
In John 21:15-19 Jesus asked Peter 2 times if he loved Him. Jesus used the word 'agape', which is unconditional love. Both times Peter replied in the negative, using 'phileo' love, which is the love 2 best friends might have for one another. The third time Jesus came down to Peter's level, asking if he loved Him with phileo love. Peter, disturbed by the whole line of questions, blurted out for the 3rd time:I love you as a best friend! To that, Jesus prophesied there would come a time Peter would love Him with agape', even being led away to die for it.
More steps to reconciliation next week. Until then, blessings,
John Fenn
cwowi.org and email me at [email protected]
We continue with part 3 looking towards reconciliation.
The more disconnected they are from God the more they become angry.
If they are believers, they often fool themselves into thinking it is God leading them to break contact. But when balanced and pure faith is gone everything feels like an attack.
They are confused because if what they are doing is God's path to healing, why do they have no peace? Why are they so unhappy? They stumble through life, going through the motions, fueled by anger at mom and dad.
Anger is not strength, nor does it mean they are taking control of their life. On the contrary, it is proof that peace and God are far from them. They can smile on the outside but be miserable on the inside. They aren’t as close to God as they need to be, for the closer to the Father a person is, the less they need to win the argument - and that goes for the parents too.
I define these qualities this way:
Justice is getting what you deserve. Mercy is not getting what you deserve. Grace is getting what you don't deserve. In any reconciliation, all 3 will come into play at some point. A recognition that all the hurt and pain is what happened as a result of the actions of both is required. Mercy, in withholding volleys of poisonous words that hurt the reconciliation process. Grace, extended because each loves the other, overlooks the past, and empowers each other with respect and honor for each person's place in life.
Anyone you love will make you uncomfortable at times. If you can't sit down with them in that, you can't love them. Love isn't love until it's proven. Sit down and prove your love for one another. If you can’t handle disagreement you can’t grow as a person or in faith.
If you cut off everyone who challenges you the more you become an island to yourself, which is what the devil wants. If you cut off all who challenge you, you aren’t protecting yourself, you are choosing to live in a world of anger, turmoil, and broken relationships – extending into your (kids) own lives.
The devil tries many ways to destroy the family.
Satan hates families. When a Christian adult child breaks contact with their parents 'unto God', their faith has become poison. 'Toxic' is the popular term for people and a faith structure that is poisonous to us.
Their faith is often within a religious system that allows the religion (structure) to control a person’s life rather than the Lord. Leaders in that religious system like pastors, their spouses, elders and others manipulate them into blind obedience. Often, this system will agree with the adult child, leaders hearing only 1 side of the story but siding with the offended adult child. It's often manipulation, to keep them in the fold, keep their money, talents, resources within the 4 walls of that church.
Toxic faith is about inventing a god or faith that honors self.
Such a misplaced faith is counterfeit, and often fear-based, and in that, addictive. They can't miss a service because the devil may get an opening. If they don't watch the next service they might miss their miracle, and so on. Faith becomes very narrowly focused to just the voice of that pastor or spouse, to the exclusion of voices of reason, common sense, and healthy emotions and thoughts. Reconciliation with parents may mean breaking away from that toxic church, maybe out of a toxic marriage or other relationships. They feel trapped when the realization hits them and they don't know what to do. They need to go to mom and dad.
The result is fragile people.
Whether Christian and in a controlling and toxic church, or not a Christian, surrounding oneself with people who agree with them that cutting off their parents was good, are emotionally fragile. In such fragility they have lost the ability to tackle real issues. Sometimes too fragile to admit mom and dad were right.
In this fragility they have become easy to influence.
They become easily influenced by people who don't purely love them and/or who don't have their best interest at heart. They need to know that families have arguments. Teenagers push boundaries, rebel, test the limits. They yell at each other. Children face consequences for their actions. Families with young children have rules, discipline, and boundaries. Family life is messy sometimes, and it is within those messy moments God forges character, back bone, helping a child establish boundaries.
It is the family dynamic that teaches a child to stand up for what they believe. To state their case to their parents. To decide while still at home what they believe and why. Cutting off contact with parents removes the very people who can provide that challenge, those hard questions, to that young adult. The adult child thinking they are establishing their own identity, are actually fragile and easily influenced by people who don't love them as their parents do.
At some point....
That adult child realizes their parents are flawed human beings just like them. Perhaps the parents were overbearing, strict, too religious without helping them find the Lord for themselves. More than one well meaning parent has used the Bible to punish their child:"Go to your room and read your Bible" only causes a child to associate God with punishment. But when that child grows up they realize mom and dad were just trying to prevent them from really poor decision making and the consequences that would have come with such decisions.
And mom and dad recognize they were flawed. They recognize there is a kernel of truth to some of the accusations their child levels against them.
...reconciliation enters a negotiation phase.
In a negotiation neither side gets 100% of what they want. But they can live with the results. When the Prodigal Son left, it wasn't what the father wanted, but he allowed his son the freedom to take the money and run. When he returned the father extended grace that the other son wasn't happy with.
In John 21:15-19 Jesus asked Peter 2 times if he loved Him. Jesus used the word 'agape', which is unconditional love. Both times Peter replied in the negative, using 'phileo' love, which is the love 2 best friends might have for one another. The third time Jesus came down to Peter's level, asking if he loved Him with phileo love. Peter, disturbed by the whole line of questions, blurted out for the 3rd time:I love you as a best friend! To that, Jesus prophesied there would come a time Peter would love Him with agape', even being led away to die for it.
More steps to reconciliation next week. Until then, blessings,
John Fenn
cwowi.org and email me at [email protected]
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