Hi all,
I hope readers were able to get to know us better and glean some helpful things in this series. In these epilogues I focus on things we've done wrong and right to remain married and in love all these years.
50 years of dating
In October of 2024 Barb brought up that we were celebrating 50 years of dating, since it was in October 1974 that I asked her to go 'steady'. I often receive emails from people either wanting to be married, deciding if the person they are dating is 'the one', or on the other side, deciding to divorce or stay with, or even missing a spouse who has passed on.
The first element is, we are still dating. I continue to open the car and all doors for her as if we were on a date. On the sidewalk I walk on the street side for her protection. She is my date. We take time to have 'date days' regularly. When Chris was at home and we had his younger brothers to watch him for a while, we might take a walk close to the house, go out to a restaurant or fast food - even just a few minutes celebrating ourselves.
We celebrate the 'I love you's' more than the difficult miles traveled, but the difficulties make the 'I love you's' deeper.
Accepting what you cannot change in the other person.
You are 2 individuals under the same roof. A study found that 1 key to long marriages is the ability to accept things in your spouse that annoy you, choosing to shift focus to gratitude for the positive things. Don't make those minor annoyances deal breakers. Different isn't necessarily wrong. Commune with yourself, whether you are dating and wondering if they are 'the one' or married and struggling to stay married. Don't make little hills along your walk together into mountains. Get over it, walk in love, adapt and grow. Don't expect perfection in your mate, that is a fantasy. Every little article on your list of qualities in a mate won't be checked; if they are you either aren't very deep or are ignoring obvious imperfections. Grow up.
We made a rule before engaged but knowing we'd be married:The "D" word would never come up as a possibility. (Divorce) We purposed that in any difficult situation we will choose to grow in Christ, grow as human beings, together, and never bring up the 'd' word. We will grow in Christ instead, in every situation. When we knew we were in love, we had a couple dates in we talked about 'what it'. What if I became paralyzed, would you stick around? What if I gained 200 pounds (90k)? What if I don't make the bed every morning? What if I don't know how to fix things around the house? What if I come home from work and don't want to cook dinner, will you step in? "What if" helped us to consider and determine how deep was our love.
Think like a man...?
Men are problem solvers, ever since Adam was put in the garden before Eve was created, and the Lord showed him the garden, had him name the animals, and such. Then Eve came along and saw the whole garden and animals all set for her. Ever since, man has been wired to problem solve, seeing only 1 waffle square of a problem at a time. Eve, who saw the completed picture when she was created, thinks like a pile of spaghetti on a plate - every noodle is connected to every other noodle. Every issue is connected. Men just see that 1 waffle square and not the whole waffle. But to her, it is all connected.
A waffle square man:The car won't start this morning. You think; battery? You think; out of gas? You think, electronics issue? She sees a pile of spaghetti:"I'll be late for work. How will the kids get to school? I have a presentation I'll be late for. My boss hates that. I may be fired. I will be embarrassed. Judy hates me anyway, she wants my position, this may give her an advantage. How will our daughter get to her piano lesson? I need to run to the store, what will we have for dinner?" and SO much more in her pile of spaghetti thoughts when she simply says:The car won't start.
Men:When she says, "The car won't start" she is feeling all that is italicized above. ALL of that and MORE is contained in her short little sentence; "The car won't start." Look for the emotion her words contain, don't just hear the words.
Men - learn to listen for those emotions
Address the stress her words contain. Think of her words like a pitcher of worry, fear, concerns, etc. The words are the container, but you need to listen for what is contained therein. Address the fears by presenting solutions before you check the battery. As soon as you hear; 'The car won't start' get ahead of the curve by taking care of each noodle in the pile:"I can take you to work now, and later call a tow truck or have our neighbor take a look at it. I've got a light day so can take our daughter to piano lessons this afternoon. We can have groceries delivered or I can have them brought out to me in the car after piano lessons, or we'll go out to eat." Hear the emotion, the fear, and problem solve THAT.
MANY times I've bee clueless and just asked Barb:"What is your fear? What are you worried about? Help me understand", concerning an issue. Many times she has to tell me what her worry is, then I can address that issue and solve her problem.
Men - it is a learned skill, one that I admit isn't first nature for us and I'm still learning to think 'what is her fear' when I hear a problem presented after 50 years of 'dating' my wife. But she wants you to solve it, so ladies, let him solve it his way. Don't micro-manage. His way may fail and he learns after time and money that your way was right. But then again, often he will solve the problem in a way you never thought of. The 3 words every man loves to hear are...no, not those 3. These 3:"You were right." (lol)
I learned Barb will never think like me, and she has learned I will never think like her. Stop expecting your spouse to think like you. We men move by words and can react without any ulterior motive whatsoever - it's just a waffle square of a problem to be solved. So ladies, stop reading into everything we say and do as if it was connected to a pile of your spaghetti thoughts. To this day I will often tell Barb:"This is just the answer, no emotion, no ulterior motive, no plan B, no manipulation - it is just a waffle square problem I'm trying to solve." I STILL say things like that so she can shift to waffle square mode when I address an issue she raises, because she searches every noodle to see how what I say connects to every other noodle - but most often, I am just stating the waffle square issue, no emotion, no ulterior motive.
I have always, always been faithful to Barb and she to me
But this difference is why a man caught in adultery will say 'She means nothing to me', because he saw the affair as a waffle square. The wife understands adultery is 1 noodle connected to every other noodle and it means everything to her.
She may ask:"How does this dress look?" and she is thinking the dress, her hair, jewelry, shoes, make up. But you hear 'dress' and say; "It's okay, the pattern isn't my favorite" and she hears that her dress doesn't go with her shoes that doesn't go with her earrings that doesn't go with her hair....men, do yourself a favor, problem solve the spaghetti pile before you open your mouth by listening to the whole package, step back from that 1 waffle square to see the whole waffle!
Men; listen to the fear, the worry, the stress behind their words. React and respond to the emotion more than the words. Accept and address her feelings the words contain. THEN once those are addressed, she will allow you to problem solve with freedom, within her parameters. Women - let the man solve the problem. They will do it differently most of the time, but the problem will be solved. Stop trying to tell them how to solve the problem you gave him to solve - don't micro manage, have faith in him. Don't try to get your spouse to think like you - learn to accept the differences and let them handle it.
Conclusion next week, until then, blessings,
John Fenn
cwowi.org and email me at [email protected] or [email protected]
I hope readers were able to get to know us better and glean some helpful things in this series. In these epilogues I focus on things we've done wrong and right to remain married and in love all these years.
50 years of dating
In October of 2024 Barb brought up that we were celebrating 50 years of dating, since it was in October 1974 that I asked her to go 'steady'. I often receive emails from people either wanting to be married, deciding if the person they are dating is 'the one', or on the other side, deciding to divorce or stay with, or even missing a spouse who has passed on.
The first element is, we are still dating. I continue to open the car and all doors for her as if we were on a date. On the sidewalk I walk on the street side for her protection. She is my date. We take time to have 'date days' regularly. When Chris was at home and we had his younger brothers to watch him for a while, we might take a walk close to the house, go out to a restaurant or fast food - even just a few minutes celebrating ourselves.
We celebrate the 'I love you's' more than the difficult miles traveled, but the difficulties make the 'I love you's' deeper.
Accepting what you cannot change in the other person.
You are 2 individuals under the same roof. A study found that 1 key to long marriages is the ability to accept things in your spouse that annoy you, choosing to shift focus to gratitude for the positive things. Don't make those minor annoyances deal breakers. Different isn't necessarily wrong. Commune with yourself, whether you are dating and wondering if they are 'the one' or married and struggling to stay married. Don't make little hills along your walk together into mountains. Get over it, walk in love, adapt and grow. Don't expect perfection in your mate, that is a fantasy. Every little article on your list of qualities in a mate won't be checked; if they are you either aren't very deep or are ignoring obvious imperfections. Grow up.
We made a rule before engaged but knowing we'd be married:The "D" word would never come up as a possibility. (Divorce) We purposed that in any difficult situation we will choose to grow in Christ, grow as human beings, together, and never bring up the 'd' word. We will grow in Christ instead, in every situation. When we knew we were in love, we had a couple dates in we talked about 'what it'. What if I became paralyzed, would you stick around? What if I gained 200 pounds (90k)? What if I don't make the bed every morning? What if I don't know how to fix things around the house? What if I come home from work and don't want to cook dinner, will you step in? "What if" helped us to consider and determine how deep was our love.
Think like a man...?
Men are problem solvers, ever since Adam was put in the garden before Eve was created, and the Lord showed him the garden, had him name the animals, and such. Then Eve came along and saw the whole garden and animals all set for her. Ever since, man has been wired to problem solve, seeing only 1 waffle square of a problem at a time. Eve, who saw the completed picture when she was created, thinks like a pile of spaghetti on a plate - every noodle is connected to every other noodle. Every issue is connected. Men just see that 1 waffle square and not the whole waffle. But to her, it is all connected.
A waffle square man:The car won't start this morning. You think; battery? You think; out of gas? You think, electronics issue? She sees a pile of spaghetti:"I'll be late for work. How will the kids get to school? I have a presentation I'll be late for. My boss hates that. I may be fired. I will be embarrassed. Judy hates me anyway, she wants my position, this may give her an advantage. How will our daughter get to her piano lesson? I need to run to the store, what will we have for dinner?" and SO much more in her pile of spaghetti thoughts when she simply says:The car won't start.
Men:When she says, "The car won't start" she is feeling all that is italicized above. ALL of that and MORE is contained in her short little sentence; "The car won't start." Look for the emotion her words contain, don't just hear the words.
Men - learn to listen for those emotions
Address the stress her words contain. Think of her words like a pitcher of worry, fear, concerns, etc. The words are the container, but you need to listen for what is contained therein. Address the fears by presenting solutions before you check the battery. As soon as you hear; 'The car won't start' get ahead of the curve by taking care of each noodle in the pile:"I can take you to work now, and later call a tow truck or have our neighbor take a look at it. I've got a light day so can take our daughter to piano lessons this afternoon. We can have groceries delivered or I can have them brought out to me in the car after piano lessons, or we'll go out to eat." Hear the emotion, the fear, and problem solve THAT.
MANY times I've bee clueless and just asked Barb:"What is your fear? What are you worried about? Help me understand", concerning an issue. Many times she has to tell me what her worry is, then I can address that issue and solve her problem.
Men - it is a learned skill, one that I admit isn't first nature for us and I'm still learning to think 'what is her fear' when I hear a problem presented after 50 years of 'dating' my wife. But she wants you to solve it, so ladies, let him solve it his way. Don't micro-manage. His way may fail and he learns after time and money that your way was right. But then again, often he will solve the problem in a way you never thought of. The 3 words every man loves to hear are...no, not those 3. These 3:"You were right." (lol)
I learned Barb will never think like me, and she has learned I will never think like her. Stop expecting your spouse to think like you. We men move by words and can react without any ulterior motive whatsoever - it's just a waffle square of a problem to be solved. So ladies, stop reading into everything we say and do as if it was connected to a pile of your spaghetti thoughts. To this day I will often tell Barb:"This is just the answer, no emotion, no ulterior motive, no plan B, no manipulation - it is just a waffle square problem I'm trying to solve." I STILL say things like that so she can shift to waffle square mode when I address an issue she raises, because she searches every noodle to see how what I say connects to every other noodle - but most often, I am just stating the waffle square issue, no emotion, no ulterior motive.
I have always, always been faithful to Barb and she to me
But this difference is why a man caught in adultery will say 'She means nothing to me', because he saw the affair as a waffle square. The wife understands adultery is 1 noodle connected to every other noodle and it means everything to her.
She may ask:"How does this dress look?" and she is thinking the dress, her hair, jewelry, shoes, make up. But you hear 'dress' and say; "It's okay, the pattern isn't my favorite" and she hears that her dress doesn't go with her shoes that doesn't go with her earrings that doesn't go with her hair....men, do yourself a favor, problem solve the spaghetti pile before you open your mouth by listening to the whole package, step back from that 1 waffle square to see the whole waffle!
Men; listen to the fear, the worry, the stress behind their words. React and respond to the emotion more than the words. Accept and address her feelings the words contain. THEN once those are addressed, she will allow you to problem solve with freedom, within her parameters. Women - let the man solve the problem. They will do it differently most of the time, but the problem will be solved. Stop trying to tell them how to solve the problem you gave him to solve - don't micro manage, have faith in him. Don't try to get your spouse to think like you - learn to accept the differences and let them handle it.
Conclusion next week, until then, blessings,
John Fenn
cwowi.org and email me at [email protected] or [email protected]
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